Motivation

Motivation is something I crave.  It is a heavy crave these days, kept company by doubt.  Doubt is a like a bad illness, paralyzing my mind and therefore my body.  Even if it is just for an instant it is enough to have lasting effects.

Go away doubt.

I have run two marathons, a half-ironman, and several other sprint/olympic tris and races.  I do not doubt my ability to cross the finish line.  It is a given that unless I get hit by a car, break a leg, or pass out that I will cross the finish line.  I do not doubt this.

Maybe doubt is not the correct label for this.

Strength.  Maybe that's it.  Heading into mile two of a twenty mile long run, thinking to myself, "should I be breathing this hard after that hill?"  "Should my ankle be hurting already?"  "Why are my leg muscles feeling like I've already run twenty miles?"  I've done so much training I feel like it should feel easier than this.  Strength to keep going and to press the mute button.

Going into mile ten thinking the blister on my foot won't get that big.  Ignoring the chafing.  Starting mile fifteen, thinking only five miles left to go!  Yet my stomach is grumbling, I've not eaten enough or consumed enough out there.  Where is the strength to keep going?

I've proved that I always find it.  And I will find it again.  But I want to find it my way.  I don't want to slow down at mile twenty.  I don't want to let these questions creep into my mind of "Why am I doing this?" or negative thoughts of how many miles are left or wishing my foot didn't hurt.  Why do these questions have to exist?  I just want to run.  I want the mental strength to shut all these things out, and just run.

Motivation and strength is what I crave.

I found this, in my search. 

A Running Journey

Source
Just when you think
That all is done
Or finished...

You've run the course, passed the markers
And watched with hidden concern
The other runners passed ahead and behind
Some whom you left behind gladly
Others... you wonder... why don't they look back?Without intending, you've curved around
Returned not to the start...
But rather crossing places and people you've seen
They seem different now, perhaps because they are
Or you are.

Familiarity reminds, refreshes, teaches...
And while running backwards to relive a moment isn't an option,
Intersecting is, in contrast, not only an option, but a necessity

For if we never look back... never cross a path once traced
We miss places, faces... that should not be missed.

To run constantly forward without looking back...
Or to stop running so as to avoid uncertainty ahead...
One is stubborn and unwise
The other, foolish and cowardly.

The answer, then, is to run with reflection and determination.
Not necessarily upon the straightest path...
Nor the path with the clearest markers,
But rather, upon the path that matters.
Only then can you be content, knowing that your travels were done
Not for the destination, but the journey.

And now I'll leave you with a picture of my newest pair of running shoes, because it has been a journey just to find these.  I'm certain this is your favorite pic of all time :)